the oral phase/plight of a ho bag

me: i was talking to laura [my cousin, who is in her mid-thirties—approximately ten years older than i am] today about what a “fuck date” is

and she was asking me how i knew i was going on fuck dates

Daria: haha

what did you say?

I mean I would assume you’d know by the guy, more than anything else

me: i explained that sometimes you go out with someone and it is clear that you aren’t interested in each other as people, but you have to go through the motions of a date before you can fuck

Daria: right

me: she just didn’t understand how it was mutually understood that that’s what you are interested in

i’m not sure if i talked about that in part one or part two of my post “you can’t improve about perfection” 

but, like, sometimes i don’t understand how guys know i am a ho

Daria: you know it’s funny, I was telling Sean about Jesse [the guy Daria recently lost her virginity to]

and he wanted to hear about how we figured out we were going to have sex

me: and how did you?

through the grapevine?

Daria: well, no I mean we were talking for a long time, and it was clear he was interested

and then we got in the cab and were originally making 2 stops

Daria: but then I guess it was me, I think I said something like, “I would invite you back, but I live at home”

me: yeah, it’s funny how sometimes you are sort of unsure until logistical shit comes up

Daria: I mean I guess I was pretty sure he’d be down, but maybe he wasn’t sure I would be

me: yeah

i feel like in my old age there is also alcohol budgeting involved, like if you think it is going to happen, you can notice both people cutting down

Daria: interesting

me: laura actually gave me really good sex advice tonight

Daria: what’s that?

me: well i was explaining how bored i am because i’m such a ho bag

really i was explaining how i’m bored because by a certain age when you go home with someone it’s assumed you will fuck, and why not?

like we are adults we can fuck whomever we want whenever

Daria: why don’t you want to fuck just one person????????

[she is imitating a mutual friend who asked me this question seriously. the answer being that, of course, i would prefer to fuck one person consistently, but i’m not going to hold off having sex forever until i find the “right person.” i’d prefer to fuck lots of people or, at least, fuck as frequently as reasonably possible (increasing number of casual partners generally increases frequency), until i find one person to fuck frequently.]

me: ha ha

if only i had one person to fuck!

me: but the prob is that i miss the oral sex phase

the oral sex phase being the phase when you don’t know how much you are getting

Daria: well, it seems like you could make that happen

if it’s what you want

me: part of it is the not knowing, the pushing each other’s limits, the awkwardness and questioning

i feel like there was actually some of that with josh, for some reason

some anticipatory nervousness

Daria: that’s cool

me: which was caused by private school bullshit more than anything

Daria: right, makes sense

me: and also the fact that we were both somewhat indifferent

like we might as well, because we are both hos and sex is fun

but it was unclear what we wanted/expected

anyway, the other aspect of the post-oral phase

is that at a certain point i realized i could always get sex if i wanted it

Daria: when was that?

me: once you are at that point when you are with someone

like, once you go home together, it is the girl’s decision how much she wants

me: and i always want sex

Daria: no, I know

but you said you realized at a certain point

when was that point?

me: oh, i’m not sure what age it was at—twenty? i think it also might have to do with not being in school anymore, like once you aren’t in school getting wasted and hooking up with whomever, why fuck around?

me: so the reason oral is sort of over for me is, like i explained, i’m not into being eaten out as an activity within itself.

but the problem is

i love giving head

Daria: yeah

me: and i love cum

and you miss out on that if you are just fucking

i miss oral, because when you fuck, you are missing out on the penis

and it is all about getting fucked

and having stuff inside you

and i might as well fuck dildos attached to people

Daria: haha

me: so i explained my dilemma to laura, the cum part aside, and she had good advice

Daria: what’s that?

me: she was like, you can have sex and ask to finish the guy in your mouth, and I was like, isn’t that disappointing for him?

and she was like, not if you explain it right and have it seem like part of the sexual act, like, “this feels great, but i’d love to finish you in my mouth”

i think i could incorporate a move like this

Daria: that sounds like it would work

me: it might confuse a guy initially

but guys never complain once their dick is in your mouth

like, i love getting fucked, but can i please blow you?

Daria: probably a lot of guys would be into it

me: yeah

laura also gave me good advice pertaining to the age thing

i told her about how i was bored a) with the prospect of not being able to blow guys b) with the prospect of always knowing what you are getting

she told me that part b subsides with age

when people are actually looking for more than getting fucked

so there is some dynamic-play again

some anticipation

like you know you are getting fucked, but don’t know what else you are getting

she suggested that it would change as i was looking for longer-term prospects, which i think is true. as she said, now there is no challenge.

it is so easy to just fuck bodies.

but if you have to wonder about whether the person really likes you, etc., obv there is more unpleasant emo bullshit involved, but also more sexual anticipation builds.

this is after i explained to her that girl sex was better when the girl was nervous and it was about testing limits and mutual exploration, as opposed to with a veteran, emphatic, self-proclaimed les

who was obv down

Daria: yeah, that makes sense, too

kind of reminds me of the reason I liked reading slash

me: it’s too bad that it is only good when you aren’t 100% sure that the other person wants it


oh, smallville

Daria: right

I may have read some other stuff too, but not much

but I certainly agree with the it’s only good when you aren’t sure the other person wants it thing

me: so what else is good in the world of gay sci-fi porn?

Daria: dunno really, but if I found an author I liked I would sometimes read stuff about other shows

me: yeah

laura was shocked by my sexual behavior, by the way

Daria: really?

me: because apparently people who are 35 are scared of hiv

Daria: oh

me: which i have minimal concern about

i am scared of herpes and i used to be more scared of hpv

[pre-guardasil, but to all you Christian conservatives out there who are reading my blog (as if), hpv-fear never stopped me from having slutty sex and, so, getting vaccinated never “caused” me to engage in slutty sex. it just caused me to enjoy the sex more, free of fear. not that this would allay protests over protection. after all, enjoyment of casual sex—sex that doesn’t directly result in increasing the Christian army, by way of reproduction—is sinful.]

i am still somewhat scared of hpv

laura couldn’t believe that i considered condoms a solution

like that i wouldn’t talk to partners about the last time they got tested before we fucked

which just seems so impractical

and almost naive

Daria: I agree

and then what if they say it’s been a while since they got tested

me: i believe in plastic, not people

Daria: right, no I agree

me: and also even if it was yesterday, it can take up to three months to test positive

Daria: true

I mean what are her criteria?

what would make her agree to have sex with the guy?

me: not sure exactly

what i was more interested in and pressed her on extensively was how she discerned btw sex and oral, like what would be the deciding factor in having sex when she could just keep it at oral

Daria: so what did she say?

me: i was interested partially because of my fixation with wanting to regress back to the oral phase

Daria: haha

I think you need a different term so it doesn’t sound so Freudian

me: and partially because in most situations i can’t distinguish myself. like, in most situations, i feel like i could just as easily decide one over the other and there would be no questions either during or afterwards.

guys don’t even wonder, “i wonder why she wouldn’t fuck me?”

me: i’m not sure, some people have extremely artificial criteria. but laura didn’t give me a real answer, partially because she hasn’t been with that many people. so i’m not sure whether her decisions have been incidental or based on patterns.

hmm, well what is a less freudian term? i kinda enjoy the term oral phase, it makes me so nostalgic, perhaps in a childhood whimsical way

Daria: haha no I guess it’s fine, I just think if you’re going to blog about it people might misunderstand

me: true, i suppose i would have to define oral phase

but i think i actually had a convo with charlie about it that i might just post

and avoid having to write new material

me: then you will understand why charlie and i should have been online buddies for five year already

Daria: yeah, and Charlie’s a good one because he’s always online

me: i would obv have to edit that convo bc he is so wasted it is unreadable

yeah, but he’s usually away i think

Daria: yeah, I mean it’s just silly that he types like that when he’s drunk

oh, well during the work day he’s there a lot

but I guess you’re asleep

me: well, not as silly as my being practically unable to text post-orgasm

Daria: I’m pretty sure he does it on purpose partly

I remember talking to him about this

it’s a signaling thing

like, haha I can say anything

see, I can’t even spell

me: ooh, clever

Daria: I’m sure it is slightly harder to spell

but he plays it up

me: or you can just be like me and be like, hi i’m me and i can say anything

Daria: much better, I’d say

me: i’m such a ho bag, i’m beyond embarrassment and no social rules apply to me

Daria: which I would say is a good thing

me: the best part is when people call me “refreshing”

and it’s like such old news to me

Daria: like Rayanne

me: ha, yeah

but she sees others in color

i want to be in color!!!!

Daria: and it’s perfect because Sharon was trying to think of the word

and Rayanne was like, you mean refreshing

at least I think that’s how it happened

me: ohh

yeah, i remember that, in the bathroom, right?

Daria: right

me: by the way, i’ve been thinking recently how uncharming being a ho bag will be five years from now

like five years from now it will just reek of desperation

which is all the more reason to pass myself around now

[i also feel like i should earn the title—live up to my purported slutiness.]

Daria: maybe you’ll have an arrangement by then

me: because now i can still be like, “i’m sewing my oats before i get into anything serious.”

HA, one could only hope

maybe i will even have an arrangement that gets me laid more than once a month by then

Daria: maybe I will too

who knows

or more than once, ever

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