like mother, like daughter, part one

This week, the sidewalks of Gossip Girl were inhabited, as usual, by adults posing as teenagers. In a fit of adolescent immaturity, Lily and Rufus produce lists of their previous partners. But not to compare war stories (which, of course, would be the mark of maturity). Here is where we learn that Rufus, despite his unfortunate hotness, is a way huger tool than even his son and might as well attach a guitar pick to that shoestring he wears around his neck. Maybe a pop-top from his collection, because his behavior is that adolescent.


At her teenage daughter’s advice, social-climbing Lily reduces her list as to not compete with sensitive and sentimental Rufus’. After nervously skimming through the edited version, Rufus sighs and declares his relief that they are in the same ballpark. As if obligatory sex with millionaires, in exchange for fine dining and jewelry, is comparable to the level and quantity of sex he was having with his wife of eighteen years.


He acts as if he just received notice that a pregnancy scare was a false alarm. That he is disease-free.  No one would believe that after a life-altering, dramatic plot sequence involving a concealed pregnancy and adoption, the revelation of a number— irrelevant to their current situation and primarily attained way back when straight women still wore flannel—could throw a wrench in their tenacious relationship.


Except it does. It undermines how he feels about her because it undermines how he feels about himself and when you are a washed-up rockstar, sex is all about egos not you feelings for the other person. When Rufus discovers Lily’s unabridged list, he throws a temper tantrum and their relationship returns to tenuous territory. Rufus, the rockstar man pussy. He spent all that time on the tour bus jerking off to Lily. And regretted it. Enjoy returning to tissues. Too proud for pussy. Unbe-fucking-lievable. If only I could find a girl who loves chugging cock. Just kidding, but not really!


I have to hand it to Gossip Girl for their parody of real-life man pussy reactions to women with exorbitant numbers. Only I don’t think most viewers will get the absurdity of the situation. That being intimidated by a woman’s sexual prowess is humiliating—not being trumped by her number. Most people will glean the overt and overriding message, that men can’t handle sexual women and that female sexuality is something to conceal, something to be ashamed of. It is one thing to tidy up your public appearance (i.e., Bart Bass and the naked photos) and quite another to be dishonest in your personal life (i.e., Rufus and the list). Ironically, Lily was more outraged by Bart’s concealment of her past than by Rufus’ personal disappointment. One would think she would be more hurt by the judgment of someone whose opinion she valued, someone who she thought loved her but who really loved his self-image and how her adoration enhanced it.


I use my sexual past as a weeding-out process for men who aren’t man enough for me. Who are into appearance over sex. Who have are threatened by breaking gender boundaries, socially prescribed roles. I’m not saying that sleeping around is a mark of character. Only that if a guy figures the number of penises I’ve had in me is related to how I feel about him as a person, he is a fucking idiot and a waste of my time. Besides, if a guy doesn’t enjoy hearing me talk about dick, what will we have to talk about? My vagina? Oh.


I want to be a fuck toy, not an ego-padder. I refuse to be used as an emotional resource for a self-esteem deficient person. Guys commonly worry about numbers in terms of wanting to feel special and wondering how serious a girl is about them if she’s been with many guys casually. I consider this irrelevant to me because I am honest with guys about how I feel about them. If I am only interested in a guy casually, it shouldn’t make a difference how many other guys I’ve been with. As I said, I prefer those who are into sex as an act within itself rather than sex as a means by which to achieve ego enhancement. If I am interested in more than just sex and a guy doesn’t trust my feelings or doesn’t trust that a slut could ever really like someone, then he is an unfit relationship partner, anyway. Relationships are impossible without trust and who would want to be with someone who is so consumed by his relationship with himself that he undervalues you?


I have little tolerance for sexual insecurity because insecurity means either that someone is incompetent or unrealistic—both extremely unbecoming traits. Learn to do your job and revel in it. Don’t compare yourself; prove to me that you are worthy—make a mockery of my past. If you think that sexual value is accrued in terms of numbers, then you have bad judgment. I haven’t enjoyed a huge percentage of the men I’ve been with, so the competition isn’t too steep. And sex isn’t really about objectively measurable things anyway; it is about comfort, chemistry, etc. These cannot be listed and compared.


If you think so lowly of yourself that some number intimidates you—that you don’t think you can measure up—how am I supposed to judge you? Distinguish yourself from the number. Render yourself more than a check on my sexual to-do list. Act like a person in your own rite, rather than denigrating my choices because you are uncertain where you fit into them. Insecure guys: Been there, done that. Always a waste of my time. I spent so long building up my own sexual security, I have no time for emotional bullshit.


The one way in which I consider concern over numbers to be legitimate is in terms of fear of disease. Getting tested can obviously take care of this and sluttiness isn’t necessarily indicative of bad judgment; numbers increase risk, but it is possible to be a safe slut as far as using protection and avoiding partners who seem high-risk. Of course, some of this is luck and it only takes once, but it isn’t like being serious about someone or having a meager sexual past minimizes a particular partner’s risk to you. If you must know, I’ve only had unprotected sex with three guys total, and I think I have far better judgment, as far as the guys I trust, than do some of my friends who only have sex within relationships.



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3 Responses to like mother, like daughter, part one

  1. BF says:

    Which one of the guys on Lily’s list is Serena and Eric’s father??? If they left him off, I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. Wouldn’t he be named van der Woodsen? If van der Woodsen is just Lily’s name, then why is her mother named Rhodes?????

    • indefenseofgettingoff says:

      According to NY Mag, five of the names on Lily’s list are too blurry to read, but I think GG purposefully omitted it. And, yes, it is fucking ridiculous. The amount of mystery surrounding their father’s identity is to the point of the Chuck-Blair blue balls. I am so over it.

  2. JRShirley says:

    Being concerned about the number of partners your partner has been with can also be reflective of concern about their emotional state and ability to maintain a healthy long-term relationship.

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