porn nostalgia

me: do you know how to find scrambled porn?

Charlie: like… what Spice used to be when we were kids?

i mean that doesnt exist anymore

with digital cable

youd have to go to like… a hotel maybe

me: i can’t believe scrambled porn has become a dated concept

and because of snuggies soon blanket masturbation will become dated, too

Charlie: HA

Charlie: i mean why are you seeking that out

just for nostalgia’s sake?

me: i just haven’t seen it in SO long. yes, i’m feeling nostalgic.

oh, there was this mock snuggies ad where they joke about scrambled porn and it made me miss it

Charlie: oh right

me: although, sometimes i try to get off to things that i watched when i was 14 and they are so disappointing, like music vids and 30 second scenes from real movies

Charlie: right

i used to get off on like

15 second long videos

that showed like a grainy, disjointedly moving image of a dick

me: ha ha

scrambled porn is sort of reminiscent of those black market video tapes of movies before they come out on video

tapes that you could buy from “the homies” (as rich, white women call them) on the street. 

Charlie: ahah right

true

i remember freshman year

pete had all these DVDs

that he had bought for like $1 or less in hong kong

me: yes, i’ve heard about hong kong’s video black market

me: maybe he has scrambled porn, too

Charlie: and they were all such fucked up versions of the movies

Charlie: like, sound misaligned with the video, etc

but the best one

the movie, whatever movie it was, came on, and then it abruptly shifted to

70s french lesbian porn

which started with 2 women with incredibly huge bushes playing tennis with nothing under their skirts

me: ha ha ha, that sounds amazing

me: pete should upload his vids. these sound priceless. i love vintage porn. i wish i had a proper collection.

Charlie: ahaha

i mean

you can go on aebn.net and find a lot of it

youll pay per minute, of course, though

me: hmm, i’m irrationally opposed to paying to get off

which is irrational because yesterday i spent $150 on sex toys

Charlie: hahah yeah see

me: but you can divide that by the number of times you will use the sex toys and the money becomes insignificant

Charlie: for like $11 you can watch 100 minutes worth of like, TENS OF THOUSANDS of videos on aebn

ok well true

me: also, i’d mostly want vintage porn for entertainment not getting off

me: i think timing stuff in terms of minutes is more difficult and less of a good value for girls

[sex discrimination! like having the same number of stalls in girls’ and guys’ bathrooms.]

i would feel pressured watching it

like how many orgasms can i fit into those 100 minutes

and should i start with something free and just finish with that

there are so many considerations

i feel no sexual obligation with free porn

and i hate sexual obligation

[I refuse to perform for anybody who makes me feel sexually obligated]

Charlie: right i mean

for me its perfect

bc i am totally ADD when i watch porn

i cant watch more than 10 seconds of a video at once unless its INCREDIBLY hot

so i skip ahead quickly even with free porn

me: are you sure there is old skool porn on aebn? the homepage doesn’t make it look very retro.

Charlie: haha youll see

just do a search

i think they even have a vintage category

me: yeah, i mean that is one of the reasons why the current porn medium is so much better than programs where you had to download; you can’t be as porn ADD and there is more of a [cognitive] commitment, if you have to waste time downloading.

[with the current medium, there is less moral accountability because you are using an interface that involves viewing, not transferring, information. when you click on a thumbnail, you put minimal effort into it; afterwards, you can forget about what you watched; and you are left with little evidence beyond viewing history. if a tree falls in the forest and doesn’t make a sound… and if you view porn and it doesn’t end up on your harddrive… and other unanswerable life questions. you can at least say that you are a viewer, not a possessor, of porn. it makes it something you do, not yours. even the usage of the term “viewing,” as a substitute for “watching,” makes the process seem more passive. oh, the euphemisms of sexual consumption.] 

me: of course, there are always streaming issues.

Charlie: yea

i mean

dont get me wrong

Charlie: i love the fact that i have downloaded, like, the seriously good go-to shit

but for just every day porn

i watch like, maybe six or seven 10 to 20 second things

and im done with that vid

anyway, check out the vintage category, its there

and has 272 titles

me: there is this really retro vid i sorta want to send you. bad tan lines and everything. it is less than a minute so there is a lack of completion. i’ve saved it mostly because of the retro factor: feathered hair.

Charlie: hahah nice

Charlie: i wish there was a way to like

well a way for like everyone to just pool their porn collections into one giant hard drive that we all had access to

and i dont mean like… ya know file sharing

i mean like, it was as if it was all on your own HD

me: ha ha, well, i wish it was just easier to send large files to people

Charlie: haha well yeah

me: omg, completed successfully, i feel so accomplished

Charlie: hahaha watching now

and yeah that clip was pretty awesome

ive seen other Falcon ones like it actually

me: i have many Falcon vids, the best being this one (also vintage looking) where the plot is about a guy stealing underwear to give to someone else. it is so convoluted.

[“I bet you’re the queer who wants my piss-stained shorts.” “Oh no, man, you’ve got this all wrong.”]

the best part is i have to watch it sans volume because i laugh every time i hear “lick that sweat off my balls.”

[“why don’t you get down there and suck that cock for me huh I bet you’d like to do that right and lick that sweat off my nuts uh huh I know you’d like to put that big dick in your mouth I bet that’s what you’d really like to do balls sweaty balls yeah lick those balls for me huh lick that sweat off my nuts… i’d like to put my dick up your fucking hole and rape your mother fucking asshole…”]

Charlie: i think i have that one

me: the vid is kinda hot despite the gross roughness, but hearing that brings me back to the reality of how fucking ridic they are being

[Without the commentary, I can suspend my disbelief.]

underwear snatchers?

[I think it might actually be called “Inch-by-Inch.”]

Charlie: i mean my version doesnt have a title

but yeah i have a falcon vid where thats the plot

me: and there are a few guys who end up under the bed, they all want the same thing

one has an ugly dick

Charlie: yeah

me: it is hilarious

Charlie: yeah

gold

Charlie: my 2 fav falcon vids though

one is more recent, its called Big Timber

and theres this scene with this guy who has the HOTTEST BALLS combined also with a really nice D and great body

youd think that balls wouldnt be able to like, make THAT much of a difference

but omg this guys balls are fucking hot

and then another one that is more vintage where this guy kind of does like, this strip tease for this other guy, after he sees him checking him out from his stoop

me: do you have any Bedfellow vids? if so, i might have to send you this clip to see if you have the longer version bc i used to have the longer version and accidentally it got deleted and i cried myself to sleep for like months like i did after yourporn changed all their links and i lost my fav straight bj vid.

[Irreplaceable, both of them.]

Charlie: i used to have a lot of Bedfellow on my old comp

i dont think i have any now…

go ahead and send though i can at least see if i recognize it

me: ha ha, stoops, that is so funny

and i can’t even imagine what would constitute hot balls

how big are they?

i’m not going to send it now because soon i need to be constructive, but i’ll send it some other time

i’m just waiting to hear more about these hot balls

i guess i can picture gross balls, like wrinkly ones, but not hot ones

Charlie: let me see if i can take a screen shot of them

me: ha ha ha

you and daria and your screen shots

Charlie: though, part of what makes them hot is watching them bounce as the guy bobs up and down on the other guys dick

Charlie: fuck

theyre so bouncy that its like

impossible to pause this without them being blurry

me: ha ha, wow, too bouncy, what a dilemma

Charlie: ugh, fuck

Charlie: wait i have one more idea…

Charlie: ok my other idea didnt work either

i wish you could see these balls

me: ha ha ha, no one has ever uttered that phrase to me before

but, alas, i most go attempt to do work