the ultimate win

me:  did i tell you how after i fucked the red-haired kid (red-haired kid #1) on birthright, i told him it was a set up

Alec:  no, but you can tell me about it now

me:  well before birthright there was this facebook group for people going on the trip, so i looked through it and found a guy who was totally my type and he went to my school so i could check his profile

Alec:  okay…

me:  i read his profile and looked at all his pictures when i was in my mom’s apt. i was like, “mom, i want that.” my mom agreed he was cute.

so after i fuck this guy, like we are still lying in bed naked (too late!), i was like, “i have to tell you something weird. i checked out your facebook profile before the trip and thought you were cute. i showed my mom a pic of you. she thinks you are cute, too. are you really weirded out?”

Alec:  hah. what did he say?

me:  he laughed and was like, “no, that’s not so weird.” something to that effect, at least.

i think he got my timing

Alec:  that’s kind of amazing.

I’ve never hooked up with a redhead

me:  i know. being like, “ha ha, sucker.”

Alec:  hahahahaha


me:  what does that mean?

i don’t get your interspeak

Alec:  nothing. internet dork speak for you totally

I find it awesome that many porn video sites have an entire category dedicated to redheads

it’s a genre

me:  wait! where! show me!!!!!

Alec:  dude.

step up your game.

me:  and are they real red heads

because fake red is like fake tits

Alec:  I’d rather see droopy ugly boobs then fake ones.

it’s a matter of principle.

me:  well like four years ago, which is the last time i searched for porn, there was no genre


me:  so is this something you search for, or just for me?

Alec:  nah, we’re on the same page.

me:  wait, so how do you pronounce “p0wned”?

Alec:  puh-owned

me:  what kinda reputable dictionary doesn’t have a pronunciation guide

Alec:  for shame!

so wait, you don’t search for your porn by genre?

me:  i used to back in the days of kazaa and limewire

but now in the days of sites where it is all just up and you get to see a thumbnail and caption, all i do is click

maybe i am lazy

Alec:  nah, just efficient

me:  yeah, i mean before you had to type something in as the search parameter

Alec:  still you must have a favorite genre?

me:  we’ve discussed this like ten billion times, i love cum

but that is in so many vids that it is unnecessary to look specifically for it, although i am picky about it

Alec:  fair enough, so like what’s an example of the ultimate win for you?

me:  i def often fast foward to the end of a vid before watching it to make sure i won’t be disappointed

like reading the end of a book

Alec:  hah, i’ve been known to do that too

i have parameters

me:  chasey lain and peter north, i love them, they are the perfect duo

[peter north: my hero]

Alec:  peter north cumshots are kind of amazing

me:  no kidding

and he is old and everything

Alec:  he actually tried to sell a line of male enhancement pills

it’s sort of sad

me:  ha ha

you mean size enhancement? not cum enhancement?

Alec:  cum enhancement.  like take this pill and cum like me

Alec:  I don’t know

I’m kind of not impressed

me:  what a great name for a website

Alec:  haha

so very porn 2.0

me:  ha, so my fav name for a porn website ever is ‘smutgremlin’

Alec:  is that your site of choice?

me:  like 5 years ago

i think i have part of this vid on my comp and love it, at least the part i have

but it’s hard to tell if it is the same one, mostly i’d recognize the background

there are dramatic stairs in the one i have, i think

Alec:  you recognize backgrounds?

me:  i have watched it so many times

so i still don’t believe in your red-haired thing, because none of the links on that list are actually free except for pics and who wants pics

Alec:  ah

your attention to detail is amazing

Alec:  i rarely notice backgrounds unless they’re hilariously ridiculous

me:  or my lack of ingenuity in finding new things [is amazing]

Alec:  you should aspire to find new, innovative porn in 2009

or join suicidegirl’s forum and talk about it

me:  so how old is peter north

and how do i find free red-haired porn with real red heads

Alec:  I wish I knew the answer to question two, and i bet you can find his age on wikipedia

me:  and why hasn’t youporncocks worked in months

i don’t really need innovative porn, i mean what great sexual things haven’t existed since the beginning of time

robot porn?


me:  i wonder what peter north’s pills actually do. dehydrate you?

i’m sure they do something.

Alec:  they’re probably sugar and baking soda, blessed by north before they leave his garage

where he makes them

all by himself

me:  peter north is not to be confused with “sir peter north”

Alec:  hilarity ensued

me:  omg, he was born in 1957!

he is 51!

Alec:  He needs an award

or something

call AVN

Alec:  if he’s still cumming on 18 year olds when he’s 65

that’s something to put on wikipedia

me:  amazing, on his wikipedia table of contents, under bio and career, it lists “cum shot specialist”

i wonder if you have to specialize within your first few years of being a pornstar, whether there is some sort of residency involved

Alec:  unlikely.  I think it’s more like, if you squirt you stay, if you dribble, you’re relegated to lame internet low budget pr0n

me:  i wonder how you discover a talent like that, did that guy really just see him in gym shorts and think, “gee, i bet that guy can shoot eight times per orgasm”

ha ha



old people

me:  i was reading about aging in my human sex textbook the other day and it mentioned the decrease in propelling power

i am horrified

Alec:  you’ll just have to find the perfect age and command perfect cumshots from all your partners

insist on watching them before you sleep with them

it’s a rigorous process.

me:  excuse me while i think about drool and grapefruit, lumpy oatmeal

powder smell

Alec:  ugh

me:  hankerchiefs

Alec:  blech.

me:  well, you know i had that bf who just dripped

what a disappointment

almost insulting

Alec:  there’s no way to fix that I suppose

me:  c-i-r-c-u-m-c-i-s-i-o-n

Alec:  really?

me:  so you know that orgasm-face site you were talking about

what is it called?


me:  what an adolescent, gothy name

Alec:  i know

it’s kind of fantastic

me:  so how much is your per-month porn bill?

Alec:  I don’t subscribe

except to suicidegirls

because it’s rad

me:  so you just know about this site?

is it french?

or just snooty?

[sub-header is ‘facettes de la petite mort,’ which translates as ‘facets of an orgasm.’ ‘petite mort’ idiomatically means ‘orgasm,’ but literally means ‘little death,’ because that’s how the French think of an orgasm. as in, the death of millions of innocent spermies!]

Alec:  perhaps both



me:  for sure

Alec:  goth-french-snoot

me:  in a magnetic poetry way

Alec:  frenchgothsnoot

me:  the slideshow on the homepage is actually hilarious

so metal

Alec:  yeah dude

that site is no joke

don’t fuck with them, or they’ll pout in your direction

me:  the sound quality on their free sample is so extreme. it sounds like an airplane is landing. did the guy mic his sheets?

and birds outside his window?

Alec:  duh. don’t you?!

 me:  nothing makes me cum harder than chirping!

 Alec:  you fucking hippy

 me:  time for me to take sleeeping pills

Alec:  awesome.

 me:  because i am midtown east

not hippy

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