no more dildos in the bathroom, part three

me: OMG, so i think my bro stole my porn!

Charlie: stole?

me: i have a few magazines that i never use because magazines do nothing for me

but the other day i was just so fucking tired and lazy that i didn’t even think i could walk to my living room to get my comp

Charlie: oh ok

me: and i didn’t need much help

Charlie: now this makes sense about the stealing

me: so i reach into my drawer and all of my porn is gone! and maybe i threw it out but i think i would have remembered that.

so who knows how long it had been gone.

last time he stole from me (alcohol) i checked my stash and it was still there.

but i can’t ask him about it until i know it is gone and not just misplaced. it seems impossible that i would have misplaced a porno stash that i never ever use. it is more a reserve than a stash.

Charlie: right right

well he probably was borrowing it

and then started keeping it for longer and longer

and realized that you hadnt noticed

me: i waited until i was alone in my parents’ apt and tried to search his room, but it is so messy it is impossible.

Charlie: so he prob said wtf

and just took it all

me: ha ha, yeah, like maybe he started with one to see if i would notice.

well i think this is funny because one of the mags is barely legal, and, well, he is 15

but okay so i’m sort of mad about one of the dvds, because i did occasionally use that

Charlie: but i mean

me: i’m sure he thinks i will never ask for it back or at least not tell my parents cause that is way too embarrassing, but i most definitely am telling because this is getting fucking ridic and he can’t keep stealing all my shit with no consequences

me: esp after i was so cool about not busting his pot smoking party

Charlie: given the availability of porn on the internet

Charlie: thats kind of like being mad that someone stole a 6 pack from you when youre going to a kegger that night

yeah i mean, i see what you mean about the principle of the thing

[As my best friend said, more aptly, it is like inviting someone to a party at your place and having them steal your personal stash from your room.]

me: ha ha, well yeah, but it is the principle, you shouldn’t steal esp from your sibs esp when they are exceedingly reasonable with you

Charlie: i think it just sucks in general that youre spending time having to “play ball” with a 15 year old when youre in your mid 20s ahaha

me: he is just shitting on a good situation

Charlie: yeah

well maybe you can explain that to him

me: i just can’t believe that i’m in my 20’s and sharing porn with my bro

Charlie: without specifically mentioning the porn

right that too aha

me: um, no, i want my porn back! it has sentimental value!

but, okay, so here is the thing

i had 2 dvds that came with 2 mags

i wanted something mainstream by dirty

so i thought hustler was the way to go

of course i purchased these (or made my bf purchase these) at gas stations in western mass

i don’t even know how to buy porn in ny because regular mag stores don’t sell them

you have to go someplace sketchy

Charlie: oh right ha

me: or join the truckers in western mass

Charlie: ahaha

me: so anyway, once my bf got me barely legal and the dvd was fine for the most part except the scene where there was a chode that the guy kept moving around with his muscles. so, okay, some of the scenes were gross but only one was rough and offensive.

and then with hustler proper, i open up the mag and the dvd falls out and the title is so fucking offensive i could never ever open it. because what if someone found it and thought i voluntarily purchased a dvd by that title. i mean, i couldn’t tell what the dvd would be like until i opened the mag.

it was something really gross about anal. like anal sex with many obscenities attached. and there was no point in opening it because i knew i wouldn’t enjoy it.

Charlie: ahahah yea

me: i’m sure my brother has opened it.

Charlie: yeah, but youre like… letting yourself think way too much about what your brother has done with it

me: but i can’t explain to my mom that i’ve never opened it, nevertheless watched it.

Charlie: dont even like… go there



me: i want the other dvd back and i want to tell on him!

me: i just wish we could leave the horrifying anal dvd out of it


me: omg, so i think my bro stole my porn

i can’t imagine how i would accidentally misplace porn that i never ever use

Jordan: i hope it wasn’t the gay porn

me: ha. no. barely legal. ironic.

Jordan: that’s tmi about your bro

oh, he has good taste

Jordan: maybe we can swap

me: oh, sorry for offending your virgin eyes

me: yes, he does!

except the other thing he has is like really fucking awful

like, i want to tell on him but i can’t

also, i tried to search his room the other day but is was so messy i gave up

Jordan: runs in the family, i guess

was this hard-copy porn?

me: so i had two magazines with videos. one was barely legal and the video is fine. a few scenes are gross but only one thing is slightly offensive. the other magazine is hustler proper and it came with the most awful fucking video ever. so awful i could not open it because what would people think if they found it open! and i didn’t think i’d enjoy it so what was the point. it was this anal video with the most obscene title.

Jordan: oh, come on

hustler is tame

me: yes, hardcopy. as in, i got it from a gas station in western mass. no joke. desperate times call for desperate measures.

Jordan: tame

compared to internet porn

me: no, seriously the name of the video absolutely horrified my virgin eyes. mint condition. factory sealed.

Jordan: glad your porn is as high quality as your MJ records

me: okay, but let’s say i am getting my bro in trouble and say to my mom, “hey, look at this porn that my 15-yr-old bro has; it is MINE!” and then i wave it in front of her face and it is now OPENED and only VG- and it is called “fuck my fucking asshole and dripping cunt, asshole motherfucker.”

Jordan: good thing you thought that sequence through

was that the horribly offensive title?

me: something along those lines. yeah, i rehearsed the scene in my bathroom mirror.

Jordan: for someone with a sex blog, i’m surprised at how easily offended you are

me: you know i am a little asshole squeamish. also, the people in hustler are just so plastic so i’d say the people grossed me out in addition to the title. i guess plastic asshole is less gross than real asshole. but, like, it just seemed unnecessarily crude for them to bleep out the title, as in, “***hole.”

Jordan: lol

like japanese porn

where the genitals have to be blurred out, by law

so you have these super-explicit scenes

with slightly blurry genitals

it’s ironic

me: it’s like it is so extreme even i who purchased porn could not possibly handle it uncensored

ooh, i’ve seen that

now that i peruse tna flicks

i’d really prefer something a little more proprietous than obscenities, which is why i prefer barely legal to hustler proper

oh, except in the barely legal mag i HAD, there was a girl with braces

that i could have done without

Jordan: braces don’t do it for you?

never did it for me either

some psuedo-pedos must get off on it

but it reminds me of awkward making out in high school

me: ugh, could you imagine getting pubic hairs stuck in your braces

ha ha, did you get stuck?

Jordan: i never had braces

but i hooked up with girls who did

before that became illegal

me: um, cause like the most amazing moment ever was when my boyfriend and my nose rings got stuck together. i told my bro and he said it was like braces getting stuck. metal.

ha ha ha, okay, thank you for specifying the time frame

Jordan: nose rings?


me: hardcore.

better than clit rings getting stuck

Jordan: haha

still waiting for that one?

oh by the way

elle is dating a boy

me: oooh


is he a sissy boy

Jordan: yeah, pretty much

but she can still hook up with girls

in case you get a lesbian craving

me: ooh, good, well now that i lack hardcopy porn, i might need some real, live vagina as a substitute.

i actually have been looking for girls on, but you can’t have separate profiles for guys and girl searching

so the guys think you are crazy and the girls think you aren’t serious

when you specify that you are looking for both

but the amount of hipsters who are searching for both seems limitless


i just don’t think i can die happy until i see a firebush in real life

it is my lifelong quest, my mission

my calling

Jordan: for $10, you can

me: the picture where it is coming out of the statue is garish

Jordan: does firebush only apply to a girl’s?

the other kind of firebush

me: yes, only girls count

because there is just something about how red pubes frame a pussy

Jordan: keep working on it

if you don’t succeed in a couple of years

i’ll send you a plant

me: ha, thanks. what a thoughtful guy.

a pity plant.

Jordan: yup

me: well when you fail to find a real, live asian girl with blurry pubes, i will buy you a squid

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