I woke up to the faint trace of his musky man scent, a sore but satisfied vagina, and some drippy condoms to dispose of.
Weeks later something horrifying happened: I went to empty my bedroom trash can because I was expecting company. I never ever empty my bedroom trash can because I never produce enough garbage in my bedroom to warrant trash can emptying. The emptier a trash can, the more obvious it is full of used condoms. I try to avoid having guys see other guys’ semen, because it’s just gross. Taking this precaution is a step above washing your sheets and a step below washing your body on the scale from decency to indecency. I have some decency.
As expected, there was that fucking awful used-condom smell: the fermentation of semen and synthetic. But when I unstuck a condom from the bottom of my garbage can, I was accosted by something else: orangeness. I held it up to the light: distinctly orange semen. Unsure of what to make of it, but totally fucking repulsed, I needed to dispose of it immediately. In the incinerator room, I held it up to the light one more time just to make sure: definitively orange. The kind of orange that could potentially be the mixture of red and yellow. I mean, that’s how you make orange. Exhaustively, I thought of all the potential things that could turn semen orange, and I kept returning to that one: blood.
Frantically, I googled “orange semen,” “bloody semen,” and “blood in semen.” Fuck, I should have known this would happen: the eventual transmission of disease. Or, at least, the presentation of diseased body parts or infected bodily secretions. He is a bigger whore than even I am—a fact of which I was shocked to learn. I assumed that if a guy is a whore, he has slept with fewer people than I’ve slept with because it is so much easier for a girl. But he has an easy advantage over me: He is a serial cheater. Had I cheated on recent boyfriends, for sure, I would be caught up to him.
Unfortunately, there are few questions and even fewer answer online pertaining to discolored semen.
The best source I could find essentially says that blood in semen could be a symptom of any and every urinary, reproductive, or prostate problem in existence. The internet was no help. Not even a poem to raise my spirits. Where are the artists and medical professionals when I need them? The perverts? Anyone? All I learned from my research was that bloody semen could be benign or could be something serious. Thanks for nothing, purportedly endless information source.