I concocted a scheme and felt very pleased with myself. What could be a more consummate excuse to solicit pictures of Chuck’s monstrous cock? Fearing the public forum that is facebook, I sent him a message asking for his more private contact info:
G: Chuckles, what is your e-mail address? I have a rather unusual request.
My facebook inbox was filled with evidence of the last time I contacted him, April 2006:
G: rumor has it… that you are actually attending [spring festival]. Is this true? If so, when will I receive the great honor of reacquainting myself with your cock?
Chuck: I think it maybe true. I might be up for a quickie so how do I find you when I get on campus?
G: when I was 12, barnes and noble carried this book on quickies that you could put your dick through. I live in ____. you could either call ____ or break and enter, as you seem to enjoy doing.
How could he resist complying? Who wouldn’t be hopelessly flattered that 7 years later—7 years later—I still thought of his penis fondly. I had just pressed the “compose” button on gmail and copied and pasted Chuck’s e-mail address into the “to” line, when I saw Hans sign on to okcupid. Hadn’t heard from him in a few days. In jest I wrote:
G: hiyyy
bored of me now that you know i want to fuck you?
[In reference to his saying he grew less interested in women once he knew they wanted him.]
He didn’t respond immediately, but whateves. Sometimes it seemed he left his okcupid open on his computer and returned to it later. Was deliriously excited to tell him what I was in the midst of doing for him. Except while messaging him, I saw something had changed in his profile.
I was flabbergasted and sent the following e-mail to three of my girlfriends for consultation:
Two of them responded:
Although my friends gave me differing advice (loved the part about “ramifications!”), they both thought it was weird. Seemed like time to set the record straight. When I inquired, I didn’t receive an answer immediately and sort of gave up. Guess it was already over, confrontation or none.
G: Hey
Hans: hi
G: I’m sort of puzzled, so let’s start with this: do you intend to hang out with me again?
Hans: not really
G: That’s fair. Then I guess I can’t be displeased that you thought it was appropriate to quote me in your okcupid profile.
Hans: haha, I think I deleted that though
G: Okay, well it’s really not funny. But this is: I emailed a few of my friends a screen shot of your profile to see if they thought it was demented. I got a call from my friend annie a few hours ago saying she used to chat with you on okcupid.
Hans: why would they think it was demented? why isn’t it funny? what was her handle?
G: It isn’t funny because it’s pretty disrespectful to use the words of some girl you hooked up with as leverage to acquire other girls to hook up with. While each of my friends gave me different advice, all of them agreed with me.
[An analogous situation is: he can fuck whomever he wants on his own time, but if we went out together and he started picking up girls in front of me, that would be rude.]
G: Her handle is cosmo something. Maybe cosmo503?
G: She said she told you not to continue messaging her until you put together a year of sobriety, which I think is a reasonable expectation.
Hans: I don’t think we had hooked up yet when you said that. I don’t know if that makes any difference.
G: Well it doesn’t now since you don’t want to see me again. This will just get filed away in my repository of trashy stories that ultimately weren’t that sexually exciting.
Hans: well I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful
G: I’m not sure why I have such a morbid curiosity but maybe I can get you to be honest with me. Are you bored with me as a person or as a body? Or are the two inextricable?
Hans: you’re a nice person, I just think we have different interests.
Hans: ur body is nice
G: Like physically we have different interests?
G: I didnt mean body literally.
[I meant body in the way he meant it when he had referred to being vulnerable to “being rejected” as a “body for sex.”]
Hans: mental interests
G: Oh
[Guess my fear of being rejected as a person was confirmed.]
G: You’re totally different in writing and in person and it confused me in a way that I guess I found intruiging
Hans: hm
I didn’t really find the disparity in his behavior intriguing; Merely, I hoped he would magically morph into his words. How you are supposed to feel, when someone you are still interested in rejects you, is probably ‘disappointed.’ Maybe a little hurt. Mostly I felt TEASED. And frustrated about feeling teased. Like, I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU! There are sooo many things I wanted to do to you. How could you have disposed of me so prematurely? We barely even began exploring together. As my friend put it, there was so much “lead up” with little payoff. Almost like I got ripped off. Also, what could be more insulting than when a guy you are way too good for rejects you? Makes me indignant and outraged. Like, fuck you, you should be grateful. (See: anything fuckable, part 2.)
Mostly I thought about the situation pragmatically, though. Guys are always complaining that I am “very dominant for a girl.” Might as well put that to use. The thing is, I’m not really into power dynamics or gender roles in or out of the bedroom. I’m assertive; some people mistake this for dominance because they are not used to encountering it in a woman. Sort of like how women who are successful in the workplace are deemed “aggressive.” Not specifically into humiliating guys; though, they seem to end up feeling emasculated, anyway.
Our kinks seemed like the would be super compatible; yet, we aren’t into the exact same shit—which is key. Years ago I hooked up with a friend who was into cum, in a tragically different way than I was. It was one of the most revolting, degrading experiences I’ve ever had. With Hans, it’s like when am I ever gonna find another guy who wants to play with guys but wants the main focus to be on me? I would love to do the 2-guy threesome but don’t wanna feel like a third wheel and don’t wanna feel double-teamed. Even thought of a guy I bet would be down. I’m like 50% certain I could orchestrate it, if Hans were willing to embarrass himself a little. Although, the other guy doesn’t by any means have a huge cock, so maybe it would be a huge disappointment for Hans. It would make me more excited about the situation, though. Wouldn’t have to worry about my “vaginal integrity” being compromised (I’m sorry, I just needed an excuse to use that hilarious phrase). Not sure how their personalities would work out together; Hans is so sedate and my friend is so high strung. He should probably be taking Hans’ anxiety meds; instead he anesthetizes himself weed. When is Hans ever gonna find another girl who is so turned on by thinking about guys together or even just guys thinking about one another? Since he claimed he has never met another girl who has admitted to watching gay porn, I feel like such girls aren’t abundantly accessible to him. Above and beyond being excited about penises playing together, I extra super respect people who are brave enough to pursue their taboo desires. There’s something so sexy about his pleasure overtaking society’s side-eye and the internalized norms born therefrom. He never really explained to me exactly what he’s done with guys, but it’s no stretch of the imagination to assume that he might let me stick fingers up his butt (hello, humiliation; hello, intimacy). Last year I bought a strap-on, and pretty much my life dream is fucking a guy with my husband dildo. He’d have to be very cooperative with me for me to lend him my husband. Would be the ultimate seedy underbelly of NYC private schools. Mmm.
Not sure how I feel about the penis humiliation thing. I mean, obvs I don’t like it. Bothers me specifically for two reasons. First of all, I had a serious eating disorder in high school, so I’m really not into body shame especially when it comes to sex. I mean, I feel like sex partially saved me: once I was able to focus on my body’s use as an instrument for acquiring pleasure, that detracted from the power that my objectifying gaze had on my body as a visual entity to critique. Second, there is the objective fact that my genitals aren’t the fashionable ideal. My outer labia are huge, and now vaginal plastic surgery is a thing. Vulvas that don’t look “neat” and “tidy” (like woman sex should be!!!) are shamed and pathologized: horrifying! And I guess, oh well, I’m kinda obsessed with the way my vagina looks and don’t think anyone could make me feel otherwise. But, like, if someone wants me to humiliate his penis, I guess I consider that pretty harmless. I don’t think emotional discomfort should be a reason to deny someone of sexual stuff he explicitly requests. I mean, lots of sexual situations are emotionally uncomfortable for some reason of another and that doesn’t diminish their hotness. The thing is, even if he told me things to say to him, I’m not sure I could say them without giggling, because I find the whole situation so ridiculous. Like, had he not mentioned the penis humiliation thing to me ahead of time, I don’t think I would have even characterized him as small. Certainly not one of the “smallest penises ever to be seen.” Nothing to write home about. As my friend said, when I explained this situation to him and we could not stop giggling, Hans’ thing is sort of being laughed at, so laughter or none, once prospective partners know, he is essentially getting what he wants. How clever of him.
Trust me, I know there are many guys in the sea and some of them have prettier penises, but I’m never gonna find another one like him. How dare he send me super racy messages and never follow through. I mean, he was just gonna leave if I didn’t initiate. As if he didn’t realize that I invited him over to fuck me. Gotta wonder if he was a little hesitant to push me because he knew how physically vulnerable I was. Or maybe he was just not that excited about me. It’s always hard to tell with a random person you meet out of context whether the way they act around you is specific to your dynamic or is their “personality.” I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he told me he would be shy until he got comfortable. Guess I wasn’t worthy of being opened up to. The other option is that he really does have low self-esteem and would prefer not to initiate anything, as to extricate himself from evaluation. Here’s what I think of shyness, as a recovered shy person: it’s extremely selfish and self-important. Like, he could judge me while remaining immune from judgement and he thinks he’s such a special snowflake that people are fixated on how he behaves. His reticence is why it was so shocking for me to hear that we had different “metal interests.” There are tons of guys with whom I’ve gone on dates and felt I had nothing in common; he was not one of them. Guess it’s easy to project on a blank slate; sorta why transference works in therapy. Silence is tacit agreement. Can’t really figure out why he bothered to hook up with me in the first place. Granted, I understand that people often hook up with people they aren’t really into because they are willing, or “DTF” as the youth say these days. I mean, I do that all the time and it’s fine as long as it is consensual. But, like, he told me he hadn’t gotten laid in a long time, so it’s extra insulting that he didn’t want to have sex with me, right?
Do I regret hooking up with him? Not really. I mean, the hook up was boring and ultimately not worth the effort or disappointment. But it wasn’t bad or gross in any way. As my friend Annie would describe it, this experience was “one step above masturbation.” Literally, we just masturbated in front of each other. Not a ringing endorsement, exactly. So much sex is super regrettable, though. As a woman, some people are into super weird, offensive shit. What I do regret is not having sex with him. After you fuck someone, they are that much more owned. Call me a sick fuck. It’s so much easier to make the same mistake twice.
I guess there is only one thing left to say to someone after they reject you: thanks for the week and a half of masturbatory material?
InDefenseOfGettingOff's Blog 