ELEPHANTING (February 2012)

Clyde contacted me a bunch of times over the next few months, and I was able to defer indefinitely because I was legit not in the city. Must have followed my whereabouts on facebook, though. He knew when I was home for winter break.


I felt like I owed it to him to be honest. Whenever I figure things went well with a dude, and he doesn’t want to see me again for whatever reason, I wonder why. So many men are absolutely appalling, veritably vile. They are pushy and utterly disregard my boundaries. They are entirely indifferent to or act imposed upon by my sexual needs. They stage sex like a porno, talking dirty to me and treating me as a passive, decorative object. They do things to me that couldn’t possibly feel good. Like, in what world is getting smacked with a cock enjoyable? The worst of the worst refuse to reciprocate and retire the second they are done. It is as if girls are nothing but generic fuckholes to them, distinguishable only by physical characteristics. You would think my experience of pleasure would be integral to theirs, but no. Sex is often barely interactive; truly, I am nothing but a receptacle.


Clyde was a perfect gentleman: receptive to my desires, pleasures, and limits. Thought he should know I didn’t think he was a shithead or even a bad fuck. Which obviated my most diplomatic “It’s not you, or me: it’s us!” Penis size is relative. (See: Curb Your Enthusiasm “gigantic vagina.“) Wasn’t rejecting him as a partner in the slightest; literally wasn’t a “good fit.” Besides, we know some of the same people and I was bound to see him again. Wise to perform some preemptive damage control before my awkward evasion became ostensible. Wish my vagina could have done the talking.


Clyde: Hey stranger! We should arrange a play date again soon!

Me: Hey there! I am in the city, but I’m not sure about a play date. There is no way to say this that doesn’t sound ridiculous: I don’t think I can handle your enormous cock.

Me: It’s too bad because you are a super fun time otherwise.

Clyde: What!! Noo!!!! What if I’m gentle?!

Me: You sincerely tried to be gentle last time. There is just a fit issue. My friend coined a new verb for you. I told her it was like an elephant fucking a chihuahua, and now we refer to getting “elephanted.”

Clyde: 😦

Me: I know, sad face. There could be worse reasons to be turned down sexually

Clyde: Haha! Dammit! Well at least recommend me to your friends! Haha

Clyde: It’s true

Me: Does this happen to you often? Or do other women just not bother explaining?

Clyde: I think they just don’t bother explaining. Either that or they just take it and enjoy the pain!

Clyde: Oh well, if you decide to take some vicodin and change your mind, let me know!

Me: Ha ha, ouch

Me: Will do


What a stud muffin.

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