Bring Out the Big Cocks (May 5th, 2013)
I figured our relationship had expired—we had run out of utility to one another. Until he messaged me with a devilish, implied request. And I lit up from the inside like a glow worm. Because love for cock warms my heart.
Hans: I’m dying to know, ever get that monstrous cock pic?
Me: Oh, Hans, you are so demented. This is why I liked you.
Me: I did send him a few faceless pics of me a few days ago. Seemed fair to barter.
Me: He still hasn’t reciprocated. I think he intends to.
Me: The pics I sent him weren’t spread eagle shots or anything.
Me: In a strange twist, they were actually taken by that guy I thought I could interest in a 2-guy threesome
Hans: strange twist indeed. when we hung out at your place, I was thinking the same thing: “when are we gunna start talking about big cocks?”
Me: 🙂
Hans: I guess we do have some interests in common
Me: How conciliatory of you.
Hans: 🙂
Hans: that’s so sad about ivory
Me: Ha ha.
Me: I asked her ex bf about her, while respecting discretion, and he told me she got into heroin. She left [college] and did one of those wilderness rehab programs. Not sure where she is now. Think we might have exchanged a message or two like a year later.
Me: I guess you don’t find my blog disgusting, then?
Hans: no
Hans: I was jerking off to like part 1 or 2 but then lost my boner as I read on and the hotness subsided
Me: I was actually impressed by how maturely you handled being written about. I woulda been more defensive and less gracious about it.
Me: Ha ha, thanks for sharing. You weren’t turned on by my msg to chuck? I think that was part three.
Me: I mostly felt incredibly smug about my msg to him.
Hans: lol. I think I lost my boner right after the message to chuck. he know about the blog?
Me: I dunno. [his college roommate] used to read it and told me I was the female Tucker Max, which is a compliment coming from him.
Me: In any event, I gotta go do work. You are a distraction.
Me: I bet you didn’t read the preface. Thats a real boner killer.
Hans: I think I just did, this post?
Me: Yes. There is a beautiful john frusciante song by that name.
Me: I’m trying to be a little braver about what I post.
Hans: I mean I’ll admit the narcissist in me liked to be written about. but now I’m horny cuz I didn’t get a chance to finish earlier. how much braver could you be?
Me: I like sexual narcissists 🙂
Hans: I like how you posted pix of my bulge. I think it’s too funny. I have pix of the hung guy who slept with my ex before me and wow, quite the bulge. like to think about it.
Me: Naked pictures or clothed pictures?
Hans: clothed, naked I wish!
Me: Do you feel extra special bc she slept with him first and still wanted you more?
Me: Does she know you keep pics of him?
Hans: she knows I’m into his big cock
Me: Ha, but not quite as creepy as having pics of him
Hans: haha, true
Me: Did that turn her on?
Hans: not really
Me: 😦
Hans: she thought about asking him to have a threesome with us though, she was open to my ambiguous sexual preference
Me: That’s thoughtful of her
Hans: she did rave about his cock and said he was fun
So how many cocks have you sucked?
Hans: sadly only 3
Me: Did you have a fav?
Hans: not really
Hans: 2 were moderately big
Me: So none was more spectacular than the others?
Hans: Nope
Me: So are you not into the intricacies of how penises look and feel? You just like the size?
Hans: hm not sure. 2 times I was drunk, third time I was nervous.
Me: Do you have a cut v. uncut preference?
Me: Aw, that’s cute about you being nervous
Me: Were these people you know or strangers?
Hans: only been w cut, so cant say. I was too nervous to even get hard
Me: 😦
Me: Was that embarrassing?
Hans: not really. 1 person I knew vaguely and 2 strangers
Me: Where did you meet the strangers?
Hans: Craigslist, womp
Me: Wow
Me: So you’re too shy to even go to some gay bar alone
Hans: yup
Me: I get nervous in situations like that too and it’s hard to tell whether it’s internalized homophobia or I’m just not that into girls. Once I went to an nyu grad student event and all except two women were just too dykey for me.
Me: Did you post ads on craiglist or respond to them?
Me: And do you have a type in terms of gender presentation?
Me: Basically I wanna fuck a woman who is exactly like me
Me: And who loves cocks, of course
Hans: haha. I did both on cl. hm, I don’t really like femme guys, unless their beautiful I guess. but I don’t like hairy guys either, so ideal would be like a hairless jock.
Me: Hmm
Hans: I would love to run my hands up and down a smooth washboard stomach while I sucked a huge cock
Me: mmm, hot
Me: With the strangers did you meet up for drinks first or just go to their places?
Hans: i went straight there. “blow’n’go” if you will. I want him to smell musky too, and have big droopy balls and have him tell me how he was fucking my ex earlier.
Me: Ha ha, so you’ve never fucked a guy?
Me: Do you like that I like the way you smell?
Hans: correct. mmhm.
Me: and that I wanted you to drape your balls on my tits?
Hans: mmmm
Hans: I would have gladly
Me: Oh god I just came all over myself
Me: Thanks for distracting me from my work and ruining my shower
Hans: mmmm sexy
Me: Thank god for towels
Hans: anytime
Hans: thank god for big dicks
Me: Amen
8 minutes later—at 12:52 am on May 6th, 2013—he sent me a photograph with the caption “respect discretion/excretion.” (Note: ejaculation isn’t an excretory process). My first personalized dick pic ever!!! Except it wasn’t a dick pic proper: it mainly featured cum. He shot it in the laziest way possible: a bird’s-eye-view looking down at his hairy, cum-spattered tummy. In the upper right corner, a few fingers pinched his flaccid penis to the side. He didn’t even shoot far. Like, the cum was nestled in between his pubes and tummy hair. His boxers were bunched up below his balls. He had a navy towel “at the ready.” The photo was clearly an afterthought. Ughh, we can do better, boys. Take some pride in your dick pics.
Even though it was unsolicited and unwanted, I found it to be exceedingly thoughtful that he made an effort to capture what he thought I wanted. He had been reading my blog carefully. Was trying to cater to my fetish. Could have passed out and drooled on himself; instead, he attended to me. I took the photo as physical evidence that he had gotten off to me. Like, thanks for our awkward, brief sexual relationship; here are a few drops of semen as a token of my appreciation.
The thing about cum is, it is kinda like hair. It’s attractive to see hair on a head in motion, but it is disconcerting to find stray hairs on an unattended piece of furniture and revolting to find unidentified hairs in your food. Doesn’t matter how radiant a strand, how fussy the product, or how fastidious the hair care regimen. Once hair hits a hairbrush, it is no longer elevated above dust bunnies. Dirt. Similarly, seeing cum shoot out and land is hot, but disembodied cum sprawled out across a stomach after-the-fact is a lurid display of sexual remains. A decomposing relic of the past.
Nevertheless, I gave a nod of approval where respect was due.
Me: Yum, I like.
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Oh, so there is this that I should probably acknowledge. My blog is mostly about cocks and man juice and humor. But sometimes death.
Me: Well I wish I hadn’t given that series of posts about you a derivative title, because I looked up that girl and she’s dead.
Hans: man, that’s sad. but don’t worry, I have plans to stay alive.
She died suddenly in her home. So, ya know…
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