HEART SHAPED VAGINA, PART 2
OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL
December 31st, I sent Andy the link to my blog and he replied, “read the most recent post. excellent.” Thereby approving of my writing endeavor!
February 16, 2009
Daria: true
how was your party?
me: it was fun and Andy is an amazing fuck
Daria: awesome
me: but he was upset that he was in my blog
he said he felt violated
Daria: oh, that sucks
I wouldn’t have thought he would be the type to care
me: i agreed to take down the list of his tattoos, because those are identifying characteristics, but i told him i wouldn’t take down the conversation
yeah, me neither
he said he doesn’t give a fuck what our mutual friends know (and i told him that you guys pretty much constitute my whole viewership), but he is worried about work
Daria: oh, I see
me: i just don’t see how anyone except for people i know would ever be able to figure out who he was from the conversation
Daria: I agree
me: he is a red head with a red cat and he works with computers, that is all it says
now he is hesitant to tell me shit because he doesn’t want it posted.
Daria: that sucks
me: yeah. what he doesn’t get, not to sound like a huge narcissist, is that my blog is about me, not him. as in, i present the guys in such a way so that they are merely a vehicle of self-disclosure.
i guess it isn’t such a big deal because he still came over on saturday even after he read the blog. he didn’t mention it until the next morning. maybe he can get over it.
Daria: yeah, I hope he can
me: i think the fact that he misinterpreted something i said in person might help
Daria: what did you say?
me: thirty seconds post coital (when i still had cum on my neck/face) i was like “this is perfect. i’m so glad i found you.” and for the next nine hours he persisted to be extremely smug. i insisted that i had said “this is perfect,” not “you are perfect,” but he chose to interpret otherwise. he asked “when you said this did you mean this moment or our sexual chemistry?”
i think he will continue to fuck me, regardless of feeling violated, because of the ego-stroking factor
Daria: awesome, well that’s what’s important
me: i wouldn’t answer his question, because as a sexual narcissist i refuse to be an enabler
Daria: haha
me: his ego can’t be inflated more than mine
me: i found this review on sexherald for this strange product: a blowjob mirror. it has a hole in which to insert a dick and you use it so you can see yourself blowing a guy. but the mirror is puzzling for two reasons, the first being that when i suck dick, i think have a good view. granted, i can’t see my face, but i can definitely see what i am doing.
the second thing that confuses me (and in the product review they complained only that it was distracting to hold the mirror in place) is that once you drool on a mirror, you can’t see in it. obviously blow jobs produce copious amounts of drool, so the mirror would only work for approximately thirty seconds.
Daria: that sounds like a completely useless product for sure
me: and there is the whole ridiculous factor insofar as it bears too much similarity to the narcissicius myth. but maybe i just feel that way because of how i feel about blowjobs. either way, i think it would be distracting and would make you give worse head, in a paris hilton porn sort of way.
Daria: probably true
THREESOMES AND FANTASIES
February 20, 2009
me: last night i sent Mike, my gay boyfriend the link to my blog
Daria: oh nice
you posted some stuff about him, right?
me: he asked if i was worried about guys finding it. and i was like, you mean like you?
yes, the cum guy
Daria: did he say anything about the cum part
me: i’m not sure how far he got in his reading
i think i forgot to tell you the only bad thing about Andy besides the “your world” shit
Daria: what’s that?
me: Andy told me he knows other red jews and i immediately responded “you have a community of red jews? CAN WE HAVE A THREESOME!?!”
apparently, we can’t
Daria: why not?
is he against threesomes?
me: he said he would only have a two-guy threesome if it was about exploring his sexuality. obv i want threesomes to be about exploring my sexuality. he said he wouldn’t be comfortable fucking a girl with another guy. what a disappointment. i suppose community does not equal commune.
Daria: what about a threesome with a redheaded female?
does he know any of those?
me: “some guys just can’t do it. they’re emotionally or sexually unimaginative
but then there are various degrees of sexual orientation, too”that’s what mike said when i explained the Andy situation to him
to which i responded, “oh mike, please tell me about the degrees of sexual orientation.”
Daria: hahaha
me: is mike for real? i offered to blow him with another girl!
and he is informing me about the fluidity of sexual orientation
about the red girl thing, i’m not sure if andy knows any, he didn’t specify
but he is fine with two-girl threesome
in fact, after my party we were at a bar with his friends and he said something kind of weird
he was like “i was worried that this other girl who i slept with was going to come and it would have been awkward. but she sort of likes girls too, so i figured it would be okay.”
Daria: that is kind of weird
me: guys don’t normally tell me that maybe they were going to see another girl they slept with
like why bring it up
but then he made it hot
he asked me if i would like it if he fantasized about me and another girl
Daria: nice
me: and i was like “as a sexual narcissist, thinking about you fantasizing about me is almost better than thinking about it happening.”
Daria: awesome
me: he also told me this incredibly hot story about how once he had this online conversation with one of his girl friends/acquaintances and was like “start masturbating now, i will too, and in five minutes when i’m ready to cum i’m going to call you, you are going to hear me cum, then i am going to hang up.”
creepy but hot
Daria: definitely hot
me: way hotter than my adolescent phone masturbation relationship with my hs boyfriend
HOW TO FUCK GENIE INSTRUCTION MANUAL
February 20, 2009
me: did i tell you that while I was blowing him he asked me if i liked blowing him or having red pubes in my face more
Daria: yes
me: which i found puzzling
Daria: because you do both
me: well, yes, because they aren’t mutually exclusive. and also obv i like his dick more. pubes are like a frame and what is a frame without a picture.
i realized later
that the reason he asked is he read my blog entry
and i talk extensively about the fire bush in it
Daria: true, you do
me: i know people sometimes trim for themselves, but it seemed like Andy had trimmed for me and i was flattered
the weird thing about stuff with Andy is now i have to wonder how much of what he does to me he has researched in my blog
because also he said he was going to rip my tights off in the appropriate places
Daria: ooh nice
me: and i talk about that in my blog
Daria: right
you do
I guess this is maybe something to get used to now that you have this blog
overall it seems like a plus though
right?
me: ha ha. yeah, but sort of lame if it becomes a “here is how to seduce and fuck genie” instruction manual.” like, here is how to be the kind of creep that genie likes.
Daria: right
me: sort of like my “fuck genie on valentine’s day” party
Daria: haha
AUTHENTICITY
February 25, 2009
Davey: sex blog going well?
me: better than sex
have you checked it out?
the problem with my blog is, of course, i can’t post current things because that changes current situations
i recently wondered whether a guy did certain things to me because he read my blog
Davey: hmm
thats an interesting situation
was he copying old moves?
me: well he told me he was going to rip my tights off. i have this entry about how i used to get off to that in, like, middle school.
still hot.
i just question the authenticity.
Davey: i gotcha
me: maybe i can get him to do other things i used to get off to in middle school, like making guys wear my underwear
we’ll put that in an entry and hope for the best
Davey: what kind of underwear do you sport these days?
cuz i think boys would have a hard time wearing your undies
me: ha ha, well actually currently i am wearing the american apparel boy short kind, so boys would look cute in those. but it think the fantasy was more like guys in way skimpier underwear, but it had to be mine. i used to have dreams about one of my hs classmates in a very specific pair of my underwear which i will never throw out because it has sentimental value, and i am sweet like that.
Davey: well thats very cute
ECHO CHAMBER OF SHAME
March 16, 2009
Josh: were you publicly humiliated?
me: in a middle school-style boy drama sort of way
fuck the new “highlights” section of fb
the “highlight” of my week was finding a pic of the red head i was fucking with this girl from [high school] who is sort of my arch nemesis
and she is ugly! which makes it worse. because what will people think about
me? what will i think of myself?
Josh: but how were they with each other?
could just be a picture
me: so, yes, very adolescent and even more embarrassing because it is embarrassing how
upset i am about something so petty
Josh: yeah
an echo chamber of shame
me: hmm, well the night after i asked our mutual friend who was with them (and who introduced me to him in the first place) and she seemed to think it was more than just a series of pictures and knew at the time that it was going to be a problem, but
couldn’t figure out how to intervene
exaclty
and now he is damaged goods to me
Josh: soiled
me: there is a degrassi episode about how i feel
that’s how middle school this situation is
if it was a pic of him and anyone else it wouldn’t have evoked this rage
and i had such high hopes for him and his neon orange pubes
Josh: haha
lets call them cheetos
bc what could evoke a grosser image than that
Josh: feel free to use that term in your sex blogging
me: the only good thing about this red head thing potentially being over is now i can blog
about it
me: i think my blog has become more of a masturbation blog than a sex blog
Josh: how telling
After shtupping my middle school arch nemesis, Andy proceeded to sleep with everyone I know, including Danny of ‘on demand’ fame’s sister. Oh, incestuous world!
Andy was the first to use my blog as sex instruction manual, and Danny the first to order off it as a menu.
Still unsure how I feel about sex that seems scripted. Or staged, if you will. And that is the segue to my next post…
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