Heart Shaped Vagina, Part 2




December 31st, I sent Andy the link to my blog and he replied, “read the most recent post. excellent.” Thereby approving of my writing endeavor!

February 16, 2009

Daria: true

how was your party?

me: it was fun and Andy is an amazing fuck

Daria: awesome

me: but he was upset that he was in my blog

he said he felt violated

Daria: oh, that sucks

I wouldn’t have thought he would be the type to care

me: i agreed to take down the list of his tattoos, because those are identifying characteristics, but i told him i wouldn’t take down the conversation

yeah, me neither

he said he doesn’t give a fuck what our mutual friends know (and i told him that you guys pretty much constitute my whole viewership), but he is worried about work

Daria: oh, I see

me: i just don’t see how anyone except for people i know would ever be able to figure out who he was from the conversation

Daria: I agree

me: he is a red head with a red cat and he works with computers, that is all it says

now he is hesitant to tell me shit because he doesn’t want it posted.

Daria: that sucks

me: yeah. what he doesn’t get, not to sound like a huge narcissist, is that my blog is about me, not him. as in, i present the guys in such a way so that they are merely a vehicle of self-disclosure.

i guess it isn’t such a big deal because he still came over on saturday even after he read the blog. he didn’t mention it until the next morning. maybe he can get over it.

Daria: yeah, I hope he can

me: i think the fact that he misinterpreted something i said in person might help

Daria: what did you say?

me: thirty seconds post coital (when i still had cum on my neck/face) i was like “this is perfect. i’m so glad i found you.” and for the next nine hours he persisted to be extremely smug. i insisted that i had said “this is perfect,” not “you are perfect,” but he chose to interpret otherwise. he asked “when you said this did you mean this moment or our sexual chemistry?”

i think he will continue to fuck me, regardless of feeling violated, because of the ego-stroking factor

Daria: awesome, well that’s what’s important

me: i wouldn’t answer his question, because as a sexual narcissist i refuse to be an enabler

Daria: haha

me: his ego can’t be inflated more than mine

me: i found this review on sexherald for this strange product: a blowjob mirror. it has a hole in which to insert a dick and you use it so you can see yourself blowing a guy. but the mirror is puzzling for two reasons, the first being that when i suck dick, i think have a good view. granted, i can’t see my face, but i can definitely see what i am doing.

the second thing that confuses me (and in the product review they complained only that it was distracting to hold the mirror in place) is that once you drool on a mirror, you can’t see in it. obviously blow jobs produce copious amounts of drool, so the mirror would only work for approximately thirty seconds.

Daria: that sounds like a completely useless product for sure

me: and there is the whole ridiculous factor insofar as it bears too much similarity to the narcissicius myth. but maybe i just feel that way because of how i feel about blowjobs. either way, i think it would be distracting and would make you give worse head, in a paris hilton porn sort of way.

Daria: probably true



February 20, 2009

me: last night i sent Mike, my gay boyfriend the link to my blog

Daria: oh nice

you posted some stuff about him, right?

the cum stuff?

me: he asked if i was worried about guys finding it. and i was like, you mean like you?

yes, the cum guy

Daria: did he say anything about the cum part

me: i’m not sure how far he got in his reading

i think i forgot to tell you the only bad thing about Andy besides the “your world” shit

Daria: what’s that?

me: Andy told me he knows other red jews and i immediately responded “you have a community of red jews? CAN WE HAVE A THREESOME!?!”

apparently, we can’t

Daria: why not?

is he against threesomes?

me: he said he would only have a two-guy threesome if it was about exploring his sexuality. obv i want threesomes to be about exploring my sexuality. he said he wouldn’t be comfortable fucking a girl with another guy. what a disappointment. i suppose community does not equal commune.

Daria: what about a threesome with a redheaded female?

does he know any of those?

me: “some guys just can’t do it. they’re emotionally or sexually unimaginative
but then there are various degrees of sexual orientation, too”

that’s what mike said when i explained the Andy situation to him

to which i responded, “oh mike, please tell me about the degrees of sexual orientation.”

Daria: hahaha

me: is mike for real? i offered to blow him with another girl!

and he is informing me about the fluidity of sexual orientation

about the red girl thing, i’m not sure if andy knows any, he didn’t specify

but he is fine with two-girl threesome

in fact, after my party we were at a bar with his friends and he said something kind of weird

he was like “i was worried that this other girl who i slept with was going to come and it would have been awkward. but she sort of likes girls too, so i figured it would be okay.”

Daria: that is kind of weird

me: guys don’t normally tell me that maybe they were going to see another girl they slept with

like why bring it up

but then he made it hot

he asked me if i would like it if he fantasized about me and another girl

Daria: nice

me: and i was like “as a sexual narcissist, thinking about you fantasizing about me is almost better than thinking about it happening.”

Daria: awesome

me: he also told me this incredibly hot story about how once he had this online conversation with one of his girl friends/acquaintances and was like “start masturbating now, i will too, and in five minutes when i’m ready to cum i’m going to call you, you are going to hear me cum, then i am going to hang up.”

creepy but hot

Daria: definitely hot

me: way hotter than my adolescent phone masturbation relationship with my hs boyfriend



February 20, 2009

me: did i tell you that while I was blowing him he asked me if i liked blowing him or having red pubes in my face more

Daria: yes

me: which i found puzzling

Daria: because you do both

me: well, yes, because they aren’t mutually exclusive. and also obv i like his dick more. pubes are like a frame and what is a frame without a picture.

i realized later

that the reason he asked is he read my blog entry

on red hair

and i talk extensively about the fire bush in it

Daria: true, you do

me: i know people sometimes trim for themselves, but it seemed like Andy had trimmed for me and i was flattered

the weird thing about stuff with Andy is now i have to wonder how much of what he does to me he has researched in my blog

because also he said he was going to rip my tights off in the appropriate places

Daria: ooh nice

me: and i talk about that in my blog

Daria: right

you do

I guess this is maybe something to get used to now that you have this blog

overall it seems like a plus though


me: ha ha. yeah, but sort of lame if it becomes a “here is how to seduce and fuck genie” instruction manual.” like, here is how to be the kind of creep that genie likes.

Daria: right

me: sort of like my “fuck genie on valentine’s day” party

Daria: haha



February 25, 2009

Davey: sex blog going well?

me: better than sex

have you checked it out?

the problem with my blog is, of course, i can’t post current things because that changes current situations

i recently wondered whether a guy did certain things to me because he read my blog

Davey: hmm

thats an interesting situation

was he copying old moves?

me: well he told me he was going to rip my tights off. i have this entry about how i used to get off to that in, like, middle school.

still hot.

i just question the authenticity.

Davey: i gotcha

me: maybe i can get him to do other things i used to get off to in middle school, like making guys wear my underwear

we’ll put that in an entry and hope for the best

Davey: what kind of underwear do you sport these days?

cuz i think boys would have a hard time wearing your undies

me: ha ha, well actually currently i am wearing the american apparel boy short kind, so boys would look cute in those. but it think the fantasy was more like guys in way skimpier underwear, but it had to be mine. i used to have dreams about one of my hs classmates in a very specific pair of my underwear which i will never throw out because it has sentimental value, and i am sweet like that.

Davey: well thats very cute



March 16, 2009

Josh: were you publicly humiliated?

me: in a middle school-style boy drama sort of way

fuck the new “highlights” section of fb

the “highlight” of my week was finding a pic of the red head i was fucking with this girl from [high school] who is sort of my arch nemesis

and she is ugly! which makes it worse. because what will people think about

me? what will i think of myself?

Josh: but how were they with each other?

could just be a picture

me: so, yes, very adolescent and even more embarrassing because it is embarrassing how

upset i am about something so petty

Josh: yeah

an echo chamber of shame

me: hmm, well the night after i asked our mutual friend who was with them (and who introduced me to him in the first place) and she seemed to think it was more than just a series of pictures and knew at the time that it was going to be a problem, but

couldn’t figure out how to intervene


and now he is damaged goods to me

Josh: soiled

me: there is a degrassi episode about how i feel

that’s how middle school this situation is

if it was a pic of him and anyone else it wouldn’t have evoked this rage

and i had such high hopes for him and his neon orange pubes

Josh: haha

lets call them cheetos

bc what could evoke a grosser image than that

Josh: feel free to use that term in your sex blogging

me: the only good thing about this red head thing potentially being over is now i can blog

about it

me: i think my blog has become more of a masturbation blog than a sex blog

Josh: how telling


After shtupping my middle school arch nemesis, Andy proceeded to sleep with everyone I know, including Danny of ‘on demand’ fame’s sister. Oh, incestuous world!

Andy was the first to use my blog as sex instruction manual, and Danny the first to order off it as a menu.

Still unsure how I feel about sex that seems scripted. Or staged, if you will. And that is the segue to my next post…

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