Parts Intact

Parts Intact (October, 2011)

When I was home, briefly, for a long weekend in October, I booked my fuck dates very carefully according to penis size. To ensure I could fit in as many guys as possible (literally, but not simultaneously!)


First up, Davey. We spoke more than a week in advance of my arrival:

Davey: Hi

Me: hey there, i’m going to be back in the city soon

Davey: Nice. When?

Me: weekend after this coming weekend

Davey: Well naturally I have a wedding in CT that weekend

Might be staying there

Me: lame. well i’ll be in town wed night through monday.

Davey: Ok cool

Me: i’ll try not to incur any sex injuries before we prospectively hang out

Davey: Well I guess that was the mysterious reason that kept you home last time

Me: indeed

Davey: Yummy

Me: evidently i’m an incompetent slut

Davey: Apparently

Well try to keep all your parts in tact


I followed up the week of:

Me: You free thursday?

Davey: I have dinner plans with some birthright pals. But possibly after

Me: Hmm, i have late night plans but not sure how late so we’ll see. Guess I should wish you a happy day of repentance.

Davey: Ok we’ll figure it out

Of course, we never ended up meeting up.


Friday, I resorted to texting Clyde:

Me: Hey Clyde, What are you up to this wknd?

Clyde: Hey! Are you back in town? I’m going away this weekend, but I’m around tonight!

Me: Yeah, I’m here until Monday. Hmm, I have plans with a college friend tonight but he probably won’t want to stay out too late. So, I can let you know where I am later in the evening.

Clyde: Okay sounds good!

I’m at Comic Con right now, but I have my motorcycle, so I’ll be around. Let me know where you are later and we’ll get together!

Me: Ha, okay. That sounds extremely geeky or maybe just hilarious like a Kevin Smith movie. I’ll text you later!

Clyde: It’s both! Haha TTYL

Was planning to book Davey before him, but a bird in the bush is worth… well, more than some dude who almost never delivers.


Before my college friend EBF and I got specific about our plans, I laid down my priorities for the evening. Snoochie boochies!

Me: Whatever we do tonight, I can’t get too drunk, because I have after hours plans with someone whose penis has a twitter account.

EBF: This is an epic text that I could only get from you

Me: 🙂

Me: His penis is epic enough to have a twitter account

[If his penis had a theme song]

EBF: Don’t worry, we’ll keep your vagina in proper condition to receive it

Me: Ha. Gross.

EBF: I was thinking of going to occupy wall street with [two of our college friends]. Want to go on crust punk safari?

Me: Hmm, sure. That sounds like an adventure.

Do we get to bring binnoculars and wear safari hats?

I’ll actually prob be dressed to fuck.

I hope we won’t be photographed.

I don’t want my friends in the real world to think I’m a dirty hippie.

The crusty punk safari was not as much of a spectacle as I would have hoped. Jews were whining about having their sukkahs taken down because you aren’t allowed to have tents there. As Paul later critiqued, “I thought Jews were the 1%. Go figure.”



Forgot to check my phone for a hot sec and tragedy almost struck…

Clyde: I’m finished at my event and I’ll probably just head home soon.

Me: Wait, no, stay!

[The sweet smell of desperation.]

Clyde: I’ll be back Sunday night if your here until Monday maybe we’ll get to hang out before you go.

Me: Im at wall street being a tourist

But can head home soon if you wanna visit

Clyde: How long until you get home?

Me: Well i could leave now and taxi

[I will drop everything to land on your cock.]

Clyde: I’m pretty tired 😦

Me: But if youre tired i understand. Im prob busy sunday though.

Have my driving test number three on monday.

Clyde: What’s your address again?

Me: [my address]. Yay!

[Didn’t mean to sound so excited about it!]

Clyde: I’ll come over

Me: Ill leave now.

In cab. See ya soon.

Clyde: See you soon

Let me know when you get home


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